A Lot To Learn


Easily the best question of the 10/7 “That One” debate was the last one. Not because we’d heard enough, but because it was one of those questions that we should start by asking ourselves:

What do I not know and how will I learn it?

We are fortunate to have the luxury of answering the question without an audience. So, maybe, as a fundamental research type of measure, we should begin at home, remembering that a democracy’s deficiencies are of the people, by the people and for the people—to fix. After all, we have been left in charge here.

But even more importantly:

A smart man once imparted to me a profundity that, for some years thereafter, I attributed to him, but that I now realize he had stolen from some other smart man:

“Ignorance is less a matter of what we do not know, more a matter of knowing things that are not so.”

Considering this, an even more basic question than the debate-featured one above is this:

What do I know that isn’t so—and how do I unlearn it?

I might need to have my favored presidential candidate contradict me when I repeat a spurious Internet rumor at a Town Hall Meeting.

I might recognize the need to apologize for that sophomoric letter to the editor, the one that sacrificed truth for pith.

I might have to re-program the buttons on my car radio.


After 2 years of electoral avoidance behavior, it’s time to end our analysis of the candidates and focus on answering these questions for ourselves—about ourselves. It is, after all, National Boss’s Day—let’s own up to being the collective boss, the boss who is responsible for hiring and firing.

IT'S BAAAAACK!

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT OUR MOTHER TONGUE COULD REST EASY AWHILE,

THE SMOKING PUN

(CRIMES AGAINST THE LANGUAGE)

WILL ONCE AGAIN BREACH THE LINGUISTIC PEACE

SATURDAY 10/11/2008 FROM 11AM UNTIL HIGH NOON

@ THE TRINITY UNIVERSITY ALUMNI SIGNING

GET YOURS SIGNED BY CO-CONSPIRATORS THADDEUS TAYLOR AND DOUG RUCKER, THEN INFLICT IT ON ANYONE YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS A TASTE OF THEIR OWN...UHM...PUNGENT MEDICINE!

Bridging the Gaffe*—to Nowhere

The reviews of the Charlie & Sarah show are coming in. And Rashomon is, in our ideological age, the guide with an intermittently functional flashlight. You might be offended by the choice of Sarah Palin. On the other hand, you might think her selection is an appropriate finger in the collective eye of a population that has not been adequately serious in bearing the burden of self-governance. On the third hand (wait a minute…) you might think she would make a fine vice-president and even a fine president. Regardless of which of these three hands you come one potato two potatoing (sp?) down on, you might find yourself wondering, “Sheesh, what would the cabinet be like in the administration of a McCain and a Palin? Who would be Secretary of State, for example? Who would take the helm at the Transportation Department? And, as has been made manifest, this is a political season unbound by staid convention. The Palin/McCain (they’ve reversed the order in response to your emails) team has recognized what a game-changer a well-timed personnel decision can be. So, building on the unexpectedly positive reaction to the VP choice, they’ve decided to float for your pondering pleasure an early list of their choices for some of these key positions:



Secretary of State Department of State
Steve Willmon
Steve is 8 years old, and is a straight A student in the third grade at Barbara Bush Elementary School.

Secretary of the TreasuryDepartment of the Treasury Karl Markovics
Karl is not a real counterfeiter—he just played one in the German movie The Counterfeiters, winner of the 2007 Best Foreign Language Film Oscar. The vetting team is aware of possible citizenship issues, but they are working diligently to teach him to speak English.

Secretary of DefenseDepartment of Defense
Chuck Norris
Enough said.

Attorney GeneralDepartment of Justice Rudy
(It was the quid for the convention speech quo— but don’t worry, they’ll leave him out of the loop when they need to)

Secretary of the InteriorDepartment of the Interior
Now accepting nominations.

Secretary of AgricultureDepartment of Agriculture
Eddie Albert
Mr. Albert made it to the leaked list before the team realized that he actually died in 2005. They are now hoping to prevail upon Tom Lester to take his place. Tom, as you may know, played the lovable lunkhead Eb on green Acres, and was born again in 1948 at age 10, making him either 60 or 70, depending on which birth you count.

Secretary of Commerce Department of Commerce
Now accepting nominations after the initial choice, Susie Graham, was revealed to have exaggerated the length of time her lemonade stand was in operation.

Secretary of LaborDepartment of Labor
This department is slated for closure. Any actual functions that the Labor Department might have been engaged in will be taken over by Commerce.

Secretary of Health & Human Services Department of Health and Human Services
See closure notice above.

Secretary of Housing & Development Department of Housing and Urban Development
Ted Steven’s contractor, whose name is being withheld pending investigation.

Secretary of TransportationDepartment of Transportation
Todd Palin (the 1st Dude himself) who promises to put a snowmobile in every garage.

Secretary of EnergyDepartment of Energy Wild Dick Cheney (Yes, that Wild Dick Cheney)

Secretary of Education Department of Education Mrs. Higgins (Sarah’s 2nd grade teacher)

Secretary of Veterans Affairs Department of Veterans Affairs
William Lacey Howard
While it’s true that “Bill” is not a veteran of the armed forces, he was active in Boy Scout Troop 237, attaining the rank of Star Scout.

Secretary of Homeland SecurityDepartment of Homeland Security (2003):Chuck Norris (yes, he’ll be doing Defense as well, but have you seen Missing in Action 2 ?!? If you have any doubts about Chuck’s ability to handle both, that should reassure you)











* gaffe
"blunder," 1909, from Fr. gaffe "clumsy remark," originally "boat hook," from O.Fr. gaffe, from O.Prov. gaf, probably from W.Goth. *gafa "hook," from P.Gmc. *gafa. Sense connection is obscure. The gaff was also used to land big fish. Or it may derive from Brit. slang gaff "to cheat, trick" (1893); or gaff "criticism" (1896), from Scot. dial. sense of "loud, rude talk," which ultimately may be from O.E. gaf-spræc "blasphemous or ribald speech."

Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2001 Douglas Harper

Straight Is The New Crooked

Yes, I've been hermitizing, friends, getting some things straight--which Rip Van Winkle gradually realizes is the new crooked. I'm also coming to grips with Steve Pinker's no-fun-at-all debunkments of "folk etymology." Fortunately, I never falsified a Good Housekeeping seal on my somewouldsaydoomedbutisn'tthatalittleharsh etymological flights of fancy.

Let's look at a couple of words, ones that crimes are being perpetrated upon almost certainly NOW. And...NOW! As regulars--hush with your subtle distinctions--will recall, factcheck.org does facts, I just "do" (ouch) individual words that (sometimes) are part and parcel of putative* facts.

This week's theme is wood.

Stump Speeches, Planks & Platforms

Here's what I'm imagining: Sometime in the mid 18th century, a candidate we'll call Carl realized that his natural base was rural and unevenly (to be kind) educated. So he risked life and limb to reach out to them, traveling 3 days and 2 nights to get to their remote forest village. He was shocked by what he found there. No meeting hall, no public address system, no local media operation to speak of, not even a decent-sized clearing to cordon off for the metal detectors. All was not lost, however, for Carl Candidate was alert to opportunities. He saw 2 men taking turns thwacking a large tree with dull axes. Based on the progress they made with each half-hearted stroke, he would've calculated that it would take 4 years 3 months 9 days and 16 hours to arrive at the TIMBER!!! point. And yet, this was a tree that they'd been at awhile, and it was, if you will pardon the expression, leaning Carl's way. In fact, aware of the liability issues inherent in the forestry business, Tim & Tom Treecutter stopped with the stroking and yelled "LOOK OUT YOU NUT," which, as you may know, is the literal translation of TIMBER!!!

L.S.S. Carl took the initiative, leapt upon the stump of the fresh-felled giant, made the first "stem-winding" speech in history, and implemented a full employment act, engaging in some strategic, Keynesian, ahead-of-it's-time deficit spending. Planks were wrought from the tree and a platform was in turn wrought from the planks.

Now, of course, after a couple hundred years of political sanding and staining and varietal rigged(sic)marole, stump speeches have begun increasingly to stump their listeners, platforms have multiple trap doors and planks have been routinely misappropriated by collusive pirates.

* S.T.R.M. (say that reminds me) Didja know that the portmanteau "puketative" (puke + putative) can be used to refer to assertions that are unfounded and widely but unjustifiably believed to be true, especially those that cause reasonable people violently to regurgitate?

HELL GETS WORSE

Sources close to the bottom in the Pit of Eternal Damnation have confirmed reports of overcrowding. The logjam is being attributed to two related issues. First, of course, is the fact that the sheer quantity of sin in the world has gone through the roof, or the floor, depending on your metaphorical framework. Second, inordinate amounts of really hot real estate had previously been set aside for those special places we've all assumed would be reserved for the worst of the bad. But no more. Effective immediately, all unredeemed sinners will be lumped together in the regular eternal torment. You might die with a garden variety unbelief or a failure to give all you have to the poor or the blood of millions of innocents on your hands and END UP IN THE SAME (LAME) PLACE IN HELL. So, it goes without saying--and if it really does go without saying, can't we just leave it at that? But, pardon the interruption, it goes without saying that you should WATCH YOUR BUTT!

Next time:

How to Watch Your Butt

Tools & Tactics

Nobody ever said exercising your freedom of speech wouldn't cost ya.

I envision Imus as the bad guy in an old movie. He kills a bunch of innocents with his sword, then our hero--maybe even our heroine--wrestles the weapon away and uses it on him.

But, of course, he survives my metaphor, gets fired, then limo-whisked away. And although no amount of plastic surgery could fix that radio face, we needn't be concerned about him finding a new gig or a sandy retirement refuge.

So, loads of offense, taken and given, this week. Maybe my number one offender seems minor--poor guy's just an academic with an idle metaphor like mine above. But see what you think:

Ross Baker, a political scientist at Rutgers--I've heard that's a really good school--comments on the Rove email controversy. He calls it another sign of the "downward spiral of an old, tired administration." Then he says, "They've got serious combat fatigue after six years in office. The forces there are getting very thin."

It might be different if there weren't actual killing and dying going on, thanks to but nowhere near this White House. As it is, the combat riff makes the political and the military hack work seem equally meaningless. Here's the crucial difference: these old, tired adminstration officials have lucrative consulting and/or speaking and/or lobbying jobs to look forward to--not paraplegia and burned-off faces. Most won't even have the decency to develop a solid case of PTSD.

I'm not saying Professor Baker should be fired or required to apologize or any of that. I blame a political circumstance that forces us all to cram our disgust into an inadequate container: the words we have.

Martinis all around, friends, Arthur Schlesinger would approve. Here's a link to a lovely prode (a prose ode) to a clear-eyed historian.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/01/washington/01schlesinger.html?_r=1&ref=todayspaper&oref=slogin